Even though you know that your best friend wont be there forever, it's still so so hard to accept when he's gone!
No, not a human being has died, but it doesn't matter.

My cat, Brolin, died today, 15,5 year old. I held my hand upon his small, old, body when they gave him the injection...
They told me "don't worry. This will only make him sleep. It's so much easier to examine him now, you see!" But I never got to see my beloved cat, my best friend, in life ever again. They put him to sleep, made some test and explained that the lump we had feared to be cancer, was a festering sore in his jaw. They could treat it! But he'd be in pain for the rest of his short life 'cause his teeth were still infected and we couldn't afford a dentist.
We had to let him go. He never woke up again so that I could say goodbye to him.
Oh God I cried. I am crying right now. Some may never understand how you can be this sad over a dead cat. But when this cat has been there for almost 16 years, it's more than just a pet. It's a family member.

He sat in my lap at the vet and he was so calm. He didn't make a noise, therefor we had lots of problems to understand that he was in great pain. Until it became visible to the eye. He was always so kind. He never clawsed nor bit me, even if he were in such pain. Not even when he was in good health. Not ever did he harm me in any way unless it was an accident when he was playing, he'd lick my wound the second after the accident was made.
He had lost lots of weight, three times his weight that he'd had in his youthful years. he was an old man now, but he was the same to me.

Right now, it feels like I've killed my cat. He trusted me, sat in the lap of his owner, feeling safe when we were around. I was his best friend for almost 16 years. My face was the last thing he saw before he fell apart. He must have been so confused. "Why? What have you done and why? I loved you, trusted you. Why is everything turning black? Why?". I want so desperatly to ask him for forgiveness, or at least tell myself that he's in a better place. Tell myself that I saved my beloved friend from further pain. Tell myself that deep down, he knew that we wanted what was best for him!
But who can decide such a thing? Who can decide when it's good to end someone's life when we don't know what's on the other side? Is there an "other side"? Did I send my cat to God or to nothingness....?

I'd like to believe that he understands. That he is there somewhere and that I'll see my cat again someday. Even though he's a cat, he means so much to me.


I placed my hand upon him and stroke his striped fur. It was a little bit messy since he couldn't clean himself anymore. I kissed him on his head and gave him my farewell when the nurse gave him an overdose of an anaesthetic agent.
He'd die in peace, in his sleep. I so wanted him to look upon me for one last time.
I held my hand upon his small body, feeling the little heartbeats slow down until they stopped. I felt him take his last breath and when I think back, I wonder why I didn't start screaming. It was horrible. It was like he so suddenly turned into a....thing. A stuffed animal. Like it was only but a shell I was touching. And I believe it was. He was gone and had left his lifeless body sprawled on the table infront of me.

They left us to mourn him. To cry out our sorrow. And when they returned, they put him in a simple cardboard box.

I stepped outside the vet from a backdoor, staring at the box with red eyes, tears still trailing my flushed cheeks.
I hugged the box tighter and cried when a family came from the maindoor, holding a healthy cat.
"At least they will return home with their cat", my mother said and covered her face in her hands.
Once again, I stared at the box. it was almost weightless. It looked like my friend was sleeping now. His eyes closed and his head resting upon his paws, like he had crawled into a ball to sleep. Oh God he wasn't sleeping...
I love him so much and he wasn't sleeping.

We're going to bury him in the summer. We'll freeze his body and also give him a tomb stone to honor his memory.
He completed my childhood, he was an important part of that puzzle. I thank the heavens that we chose you, my friend, that day when we saw you and your siblings.
The first thing I bellowed when you popped out from that box, when we both were children, was
"OH I LOVE him so much!!"
And now, when you have ended up in a box painfully similar to the one you arrived in 15,5 years ago, I'll tell you the same thing all over again. The same thing I've told you everyday I've spent with you.


I love you so much